10 Ways to Transform your life with Values and Beliefs
- Discover what your true values really are. The easy way to do this is to be aware of the experiences that really inspire and annoy you, and to ask yourself ‘what is it about this experience that really offends or inspires me?’ If you are really annoyed about something it will be because it goes against your value system. Recently the chief executive of a large insurance company was taken to task by one of his staff for using the phrase ‘nigger in the woodpile,’ during a speech. The employee who had the courage to make the official complaint that resulted in a public apology to all staff had a black wife. He had a personal reason to feel offended by the executive’s discriminatory remark. Although he was offended by racism, he also valued his wife highly. When you’ve had a look at some of the most annoying and inspiring experiences of your life, then make a list of ten of your most strongly held values and put them in order of importance. Your values are the ideas that lie underneath the rules you have for living. They are likely to be abstract concepts. Love and respect might be values that lay behind the man’s feelings for his wife. Values are less likely to change than your beliefs. Here are some of my values, what order would you put them in? Would you have any of them in your top ten?
- Freedom
- Tolerance
- Security (for myself and my family)
- Happiness
- Service to others
- Kindness
- Humour
- Compassion
- Harmlessness
- Honesty
- Understand the distinction between a value and a belief: A value is an idea or concept that we hold dear, and are offended should this be transgressed in any way. It is an idea that we have such a strong emotional attachment to that we will espouse it in almost any situation. e.g. Compassion. Someone who has a strong attachment to compassion over justice would feel that capital punishment was wrong, despite the gravity of the offence, whereas someone who was more strongly attached to the idea of justice might call for the death penalty if that satisfied his or her idea of Justice. Remember, though ‘everybody likes to see justice done – on somebody else.’ Bruce Cockburn. Our beliefs spring from our values and our brains will always seek evidence to support those beliefs, even if they are not logical. While our values provide our underlying moral compass, our beliefs are the rules, which we either consciously or unconsciously live by.
- Rate the importance of your values to you: How important are your values to you? Would you be prepared to die for them? What would you be prepared to do to act in accordance with them? Do you think that the man who complained about racism would be prepared to die for his wife, or to die to support anti discrimination legislation? It really is impossible to tell, but there are not many people or ideologies that I would be prepared to die for when push comes to shove. If you don’t know what your values are and what you would be prepared to do to support them you may find yourself acting in a way that is not in your interest without really knowing why. You might also make important life choices, which on the face of it do not seem logical to yourself or others. It’s also useful per se to know how far you would be prepared to go in support of your values.
- Take a look at the beliefs that spring from your value system. If you are having problems in any area of your life it is useful to look at the beliefs that you have about it, and consider whether or not they are helping you. Make a list of the beliefs you have about the situation that you are in and put them under the spotlight. Check out whether or not those beliefs are serving you or indeed if they are accurate. If one of your underlying values is health, and you believe that smoking looks cool, then that belief will not help you to gain freedom from smoking. You will need to change that belief in order to make better progress. I will look at changing beliefs in a later posting. For now it’s enough to understand the difference between values and beliefs and identify your underlying values and beliefs in a given situation in order to evaluate their usefulness.
- Consider the values that underpin your beliefs. If you believe you need to lose pounds and stay slim, then it is inevitable that there will be an underlying value that supports that belief; in this case it could be health or appearance. If you believe you need to lose weight is that because you value your health, or because you want to attract a partner and appearance is important to you. It may be that it is neither of these, but be sure that there will be some underpinning value that you can use to support your goal if you bring that value into consciousness.
- Be aware that even although your beliefs and values are strongly held they might not be useful in every situation. Sometimes there will be conflicts between your values, and that’s when it gets interesting. The measure of a value or belief is whether it serves you or others. If one of your values is pleasure and you believe that you can derive pleasure from binge drinking, and you also place a value on your health and believe that your health will be improved by drinking moderately, you will have a problem. Which belief will serve you and others best? I don’t think that I need to answer that one, but the problem for most people is that a lot of this stuff goes on at a level below consciousness a lot of the time, therefore decisions can easily be taken that are damaging without people even noticing. Habits are then built up almost unconsciously. Bad Karma? Are any of your beliefs contributing to a negative behaviour pattern?
- Be aware that when an action or behaviour is contrary to your strongest values you can be provoked into acting unwisely. My own value system tends to favour individuals over organisations and good human relationships over efficiency. Here are some of the things that would really annoy me and could possibly provoke an unconsidered reaction:
- Unnecessary bullying at work
- Intolerant, rude behaviour
- Gratuitous violence
- Utilising status and position for self aggrandisement
- Controlling behaviour
- Hypocrisy
- Dishonesty
- Manipulative behaviour
I might rush to intervene in a street brawl and at worst lose my life, should the situation give rise to a knee jerk reaction. I might be extremely unpleasant to my boss at work, and invite unconsidered repercussions, should I consider him a bully. You can be sure that in some situations your value system will come into conflict with that of others, but again it’s best to have a considered response and to think about how far you are prepared to go and what the repercussions might be before wading in. That’s when it’s useful to know your values and the effects they might have on your actions.
- Evaluate the effect of your values and beliefs on those around you. Once you understand your value system and your beliefs in relation to your life you may be aware that others have different value systems. What effect does sticking to your values have on your nearest and dearest? I met a woman who was unable to lose weight because her husband believed that she would only be healthy if she ate large meals. She believed that she should not challenge him although she had no difficulty subsisting on a small, healthy intake of food. She was unable to manage her weight not because she was unable to control her intake of food, but because she was unable to challenge her husband. I am sure that her husband had her best interests at heart, and if he had possessed the self awareness to evaluate his belief about food in terms of the effect it was having on his wife, he would have been more understanding. If you want to understand and co -operate with others you could do a lot worse than evaluating the way your beliefs impinge on them.
- Understand your beliefs in the context of your life’s history. Your values and beliefs didn’t just appear. They are a product of your upbringing and your life experience, but ask yourself ‘Does that make them more valid than other people’s? If you have had bad experiences with certain groups of people are you making a faulty generalisation from that experience? Is it reasonable to consider that all people who wear black shoes are intrinsically evil because a man wearing black shoes once defrauded you? Is it helpful to go through life with that or a similar belief? Are you making any faulty generalisations from your own experiences that are not useful? Knowing that could make you more self -aware and assist you to communicate better with others.
- Know your values and beliefs in the context of your own wishes and desires. If you want to ‘ be the person you have always wanted to be’ it’s important to know what makes you tick, and it is usually your value system that informs the way you behave and also the way you see yourself. If you want to really improve every aspect of your life, then you can utilise the suggestions in this posting to understand better who you really are and find a way forward to make the changes that you need. If you want to work with someone who will enable you to make real progress, with definite goals, time frames and actions that will change your life, then contact me on 0131 556 5685.
